Resisting motherhood for so many years had been a desperate way to avoid ‘growing up’ - I had the belief that children were always loved, that they were always cared for, protected and made safe and this had always been the one true focus and desire of my heart… to be loved and protected from this incredible yet perceived unsafe world.
I felt I had no skills to survive, it seemed that being separated at birth also separated something within me, my sense of Self and my ability to trust in Me and Life.
The journey through post-natal depression was long and hard, it took two years on medication and continued therapy throughout. It took that long to finally process the innate sense of grief I had felt all my life at being separated from my birth mother. I thought I had done a lot of emotional work over the years but nothing prepared me for the depths of despair I would feel as I held my baby and knew that this is what someone gave away.
At times the emotional pain was so consuming and yet in the midst of that I still had to function caring for a newborn, running our home, supposedly resting and recovering all the while being sleep deprived. My body nor my heart could cope with it and my responses varied from deep depression, at times being passively suicidal, to extreme outbursts of rage, and explosive, volatile expressions of anger. I felt unsafe, I felt out of control. I felt confused and frightened. I felt damaged and worthless all over again.
Certainly my own journey into motherhood had been greatly affected by adoption. For me, experiencing the intrinsic tie between a mother and her newborn made me tap into the pain of separation all over again, on a whole new level. Grief takes time but ultimately healing comes.
I now see my years of depression as a gift. It was an opportunity for me to truly delve into my heart’s origin of pain, the fears, the bitterness, and the anger, all of it. Feel it to heal it as I always say. My adoption is no longer something that haunts me, or something that holds me back, it is simply a part of who I am.
Through the journey of post-natal depression I eventually found a connection to Me. I found a deep respect for my body and it’s ability to heal, I found a deep longing to create my life and be all that I can be, I found a desire to forgive, to heal, to become whole.
It is with this sense of purpose that I share my story with those who care to listen or read in the hope that it may encourage others on their journey to wholeness and completion within themselves, whatever your struggle, experience or background. I believe we are all united in a desire to heal our hearts and become all that we can Be.
“To know the depths of our own personal pain means we can own more and more of the joys of our personal gifts and achievements” - Robbi Mack